Ive hurt mama today.
Im not intend to.
I know mama felt hurt by my words and tone.
I really wanna say im sorry.
But i cant.
Mama. Maafkan angah.

Glory In The Flower-Worsdworth

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

ya Allah,
aku tak tau ya Allah.
aku tak tau yang selama ni adik2 aku rasa terbeban dengan aku.
aku tak tau ya Allah
adik2 aku tertekan blaja sebab aku
diorang takot dioarang x dpt buat mcm aku..
diorg takut akan kecewakan mak abah kalau diorg x dpt ape keputusan yg elok mcm aku
aku tak tau ya Allah
adik2 aku terbeban sebab aku
sungguh aku tak tau.
andai saja adik2 aku tau
berapa banyak air mata aku dah tertumpah\untuk dpt ape yang aku nak
andai saja merak tau berapa banyak yang aku dah korbankan
ya Allah
kenapa adik2 aku perlu cakap
yang mereke x pandai mcm aku
tau kah mereka yang aku ini dulu
seorang pelajar yang lembab
bodoh?
kenapa perlu terbeban dengan diri aku
sebab aku x harap mereka jadi mcm aku
dan aku harap sgt mereka x jadi mcm aku langsung.
ya Allah.
ape yang aku dah buat ni ya Allah..
tolong la Engkau bagitau aku...
betolkah jalan hidup ku ini????

ya Allah, 
adakah aku sangat mencintai dia
ataupun ini hanya perasaan sementara.
sedangkan aku tahu
yang tidak mungkin aku akan memiliki dia.
mengapa hati ku perit saat dia bersama wanita lain
mengapa hatiku sakit saat dia berbicara dengan gadis lain.

ya Allah,
aku tahu aku bukan sebertuah itu
untuk memilikinya
tapi hati ku tulus menyukainye.
andai menyukainya tidak memudaratkan diriku
Engkau benihkan lah perasaan suka dalam dirinya terhadap diriku.

pertama kali aku x ingat bila. mungkin masa kat lab. bila dia tanye kiteorang tapi hanya pandang muka aku dah cukup buat hati jantung aku nak pecah. tapi aku ni pon satu la. knp nak act mcm kasar2 dgn dia. org lain tatau yg aku kasar sbb nak protect diri aku sendiri. kali kedua kat lab getah juga. dia tanye mcm mana nak tabulated data. masa tu nervous sgt. tak ley nak tgk muka dia langsung sbb takut kwn2 lain syak. kali ketiga masa tu best sket. mmg buat aku x tdo malam...haha. dia tersinggul tangah aku n say sorry. even bukan ape2 pon semua tu tu still berharga n bermakna buat aku. yg keempat aku rasa masa dia n kwn dia tgu aku kat luar toilet. sbb tatau kelas kat mana.. walau moment tu aku rasa nak lari je jauh2 laju2 sbb malu dia tgu aku luar toilet lama aku merebeh tapi aku seronok sgt sbb dia senyum kat aku...pastu dia ade im aku kat fb. dia sembang ngn aku tanye pasal proposal. aku ase mase tu mcm nak lompat tgi2 je.

tapi

dia tak pernah tau semua tu dan x kan pernah tau.

nothing is more painful
seeing your best friend turn out that way
i did love her and still
but she changed too much
and sometimes i wondered
am i the one who changed?
why is the girl that i knew 4 years back
become someone that i don't even know?
what changed her?
aku harap dia x tersasar lebih jauh
dari diri dia yg sebenar
dan aku tau sebab disebalik semua
apa yg di buat
org lain kau boleh kaburi
tapi bukan aku!

deary blog

i have no one to tell
that i totally like him.
like is not love
i'm captivated by him

you know how painful and pathetic i was
waiting for him to online his facebook
stalking his facebook
to see whether he updated anything
just see him online make me nervous
i tried to update and share many things
in my facebook just to make sure
he could see me in his wall
pathetic me
silly me
because he don't even care
he don't even look
he don't even give a shit!

no such thing as love story

i'm not sure whether this is love or like
since the day he make my heart beat fast
and till now
the feeling is still the same
stalking his facebook
makes me looks like pervet
but i'm still not sure
this is like or love
before was the other guy
now is him
i don't have the courage to approach him
because
i'm ain't pretty
i'm ain't thin
i have nothing to make guys fall in love with me
when sometimes i hope that he's mine
waking up everyday just to see his smile
i don't have anyone to tell
my love story
because my love story
haven't started yet
and still waiting
for the day to come

21/7/2012

hari ni birthday aku
till now i'm still waiting
for her to wish my birthday
i know that she's forget
tapi who am i?
aku kawan baik dia kan
Allah the only one who knows
how hurt and pain
i felt inside
i never forget to wish her on her birthday

today
i realized that
i'm no one special person
who am i to them?
NOTHING!!!

yeah,
i know,
pathetic me.
right?

cuti seminggu yang lepas

macam2 jadi.

tapi ape yang aku rasa,

aku macam dapat mak aku balik

maksud aku mak aku yang dulu

dlm masa seminggu tu hari2 aku tdo dengan mak

mak masak hari2 untuk kami

even mak sakit, 

mak tetap buat semua bende.

bila balik kolej,

aku btol2 rindu kan mak.

why am i too scared of the mysterious future?

btol kan masa boleh merubah manusia
aku tatau bagaimana masa itu boleh merubah diri ku
aku semakin x faham dengan diri aku sendiri
kenapa?
kenapa aku rasa tak bahagia sekarang
kenapa aku semakin kekok berbicara dengan ayah bonda
aku bukan diri aku yang dulu

entah kenapa hari ini
aku terasa sunyi yang teramat
aku terasa sampai bila kah aku akan hidup begini
aku rasa tak mampu nak teruskan hidup
aku tiada tanggungan atau bebanan tetapi
mengapa aku terasa
diri aku memikul sesuatu yang sangat berat..
yang tak termampu untuk aku pikul

ya Allah..
aku terasa jiwa aku kosong sangat...

aku x penah lagi jumpa sesiapa

yang boleh melakukan pengorbanan

sebesar abah

abah,

biar dia sengsara,susah, perit

x pe..

asalkan org yang dia sayangi bahagia..

terlalu besar pengorbanannya terhadap keluarga ni

andai saja dia pergi dulu

hilag sudah makna perjuangan ku selama ini

moga Allah memanjangkan umur abah

dan mengurniakan kesihatan yang terbaik kepadanya

begitu juga untuk mama..

aku x mahu kehilangan kedua-duanya

siapa yang rela...kan??

right now i'm listening to
taylor swift-a place in this world
i think that the song really fit what i feel inside
the lyric said
"i don't know what i want
so don't ask me
cuz i'm still try to figure it out
....oh i'm just a girl
trying to find a place in this world..."

i really don't know what i want right now
is i'm the only one who feel that way?

there's a person who said she sound stupid when she speaks malay
but for me,
it sounds stupid when i wrote in malay
bukan berlagak
sebab for me
when i wrote in english
it sound much better
sbb in english i wrote it directly
to what i truly wanna said
tapi kalo in malay
mula la nak berbunga bunga dan berjiwang2..
x suka
meremang bulu roma nak baca ridz oi..
hadoi
kesimpulan nye..
i write better in english rather than malay
but i'm not so good in english
hell what
hentam je..

~theend~

Dear Blog..
baru sebentar tadi
aku tau yang
roomate aku yang bernama She tu
anak M.jamil
lawak nye
bila dah habis sem and dah x duk sekali
baru aku tau
duduk sebilik for almost 5 months or 4..
now only i know
she is so mysterious
sebab dia pendiam sangat
maybe dengan strangers mcm aku
who knows..

Abah,
pada aku
adalah satu satunya
ciptaan Allah
yang paling memahami diri aku
even aku rapat dengan mak
tapi abah lebih paham aku
dan even aku sendiri
x paham dengan diri aku sendiri

Abah,
orang yang paling sabar yang pernah aku jumpa
walau keadaan menekan hidupnya
sesusah mana sekalipun
Abah x pernah merungut
aku x pernah sekali dengar abah merungut
abah paling sabar dengan sikap aku
abah paling sabar cari kast untuk aku
tunggu aku try kasut
sampai kau dah letih dan bosan
tapi abah x pernah putus asa
sampai raya tahun lepas
abah juga yang berjaya jumpa kasut raya aku yang versi gadis
berkat kesabaran abah
Allah tolong abah cari kasut raya aku

saya sayang Abah saya...
saya sayang Allah sebab bagi abah kat saya..

aku harap Allah boleh bagi masa lagi lama untuk aku bersama abah
aku nak abah merasa menimang cucu dari aku

ya Allah, Engkau panjangkanlah umur abah dan mak ku..

amin.....

hari ni
aku wat perangai mcm bangang
bongok la aku nih
skunk aku tatau nak salahkan sapa
kenapa ntah aku ley bad mood lak pagi2 tadi
dah la nak g jalan2..
spoil mood la..
sampai tambun ok dah mood tuh..
bila abg lifeguard tu x bg aku nek mainan mende ntah namanaye tu
sbb seluar aku,
aku teros moody balik
mangsanya mak abah la..
aku btol2 xde mood tadi
seriously
and abah tried to pujuk aku
aku buat perangai bangang
kuang ajar derhaka plak ngn mak abah
setan la aku ni
kalo boleh putar balik masa
aku x nak buat mcm tadi....
ya Allah
ampunkan aku...
ampunkan aku..
ampunkan aku
ampunkan aku
ampunkan aku
ampunkan aku
ampunkan aku....

sebab orang lain tak faham
aku hanya nak bg tahu kewujudan aku..
untuk tinggalkan kesan dalam hati orang lain
bahawa aku wujud
just incase maybe one day
aku dah x de lagi
at least mereka boleh ingat aku
x salah kan...

i am this "kind" of girl ya know..
i really wanted to post this
just incase
one day i might forgotten who i was before
what i know is
i am this kind of girl
who is
cry baby
i love sun rise and set..who wouldn't right??
who really loves sawah padi in arau
the place where i spent my 2 and a half year there
a place where i learnt about life
being loved and hated
and tried to fall in love which no one would fall for me
who love to seat near the window just to stare the hills,trees, and sky
i really love paddy fields
i really fall in love to how green the sawah was
actually i miss sawah in arau
i still remember that

i was really sad when the trees near my room in arau being cut down

i was really sad

seriously i was

but people would laugh at me when i told them about it

did i look that weird??

even people would see me as a girl
who would never doing those things
but i was.and still am
people doesn't see things the way i see it
i love my room when i was stay in shah alam
from the room, i could gaze the sky during senja
and i really fall in love with all the lamp post yang look like pelita
seriously look like pelita from my room
it such a beautiful scenery which i an the lucky one
who Allah gives the chance to see all those heart-warming scenery
i really loves shah alam when it rains
people have no idea how beautiful it is

next is..
i am this kind of girl
who have my own dream
which i hope i could write my own songs one day
could perform and sing my own song and play guitar awesome-ly
in front of thousands crowd
having millions fans
who would scream my name
who would have my own tour
travelling all around the world touring
it just like what taylor swift did..
because i like her songs.
i may not look like a girl who would love taylor's songs
but i knew all her songs.well.
enough say.
i love writing
anything
that relates to what i feel at that moment
bcz i couldnt paint or tell story well.
i just write

ridz
is the girl
who are ain't like normal girl
she is not so into
shopping,windows or doors
beautiful cloth an dress for girls are not in her list
dont mention shoes or heels
totally not her
what makes her weird is
she likes book shops

yeah,
i really loves bookshops or stationary shops
i really love how the book shop could make me wanna scream
masa masuk MPH,
i really wanna jump kegirangan
i don't know why
i was and am
so happy to be in there
i could just spend my whole day there
ridz..ridz..
before eid last year(2011)
mak and abah
took us to jusco to buy baju raya
but me..??
where did i go??
yeah MPH i was..

people always said that i'm weird
but for me
i think i'm different
in my own way
there's a good and bad part of me
but just accept the way i am

~theend~

na tanya
ape dia???
aku ckp
rahsia aku dengan Tuhan
ape dia??
mana boleh bg tahu
rahsia
aku nak suami muka mcm LEE DONG WOOK
woohoo
mmg bukan rahsia lagi
tak mustahil
tadah tangan dan berdoa
rahsia..
shhh...

Tears is My Problem solver After all

having problem

i'll cry

even me myself appear to be strong

but i'm so fragile inside

if things doesn't workout for me

i'll cry

if i didn't do well in exam 

i'll cry

if i felt so stressed out

i'll cry

if i'm having a bit regret about something

i'll cry

homesick

i'll cry

miss my abah

i'll cry

miss my mama

i'll cry

favorite things broken

i'll cry

nightmare

i'll cry

extremely mad

i'll cry

yeah..yeah.. i am that kind of girl

easily cry

because i'm so fragile

i'm so not the girl who you thought i am..

~theend~